‘How do you make a ham sandwich?’ This was asked off me last night while I was making my green vegetable juice. I looked up in shock and said ‘Bread, Butter, Mustard and Ham’! Was this what my purpose in Life was coming to? I wanted to scream. No its not PMS, it just baffles me as here was a Grown Man who was so self sufficient with everything when he wanted to be. Who Had actually gone out,bought the sliced ham and fresh bread. If I wasn’t in the kitchen at that moment,would he have searched the Earth for me to help him with his Ham sandwich.? Or was it just cos I was in plain sight and looked like I made the best plain Ham Sandwich? It was not The Question but more the inopportune moment.
7.30p.m, I had just returned from our Daughters’ 50 meter swim practice. 45 Minutes of driving through traffic, sitting in the early evening heat, no breeze, surrounded by the stench of urine, driving back in 45 minutes of traffic filled with aggressive drivers heading home after long day at work. Walking into the house to hear Loud rock music and their Dad was head banging ( this could have just started as I walked in or going for awhile) , but it was happening as The Son had his laptop opened pretending to study for a very Big Science test. Sure give a Boy rock music and an excuse not to work and he will take it.
Fury. Nerves at the back of my head twitched.The Dad wants to be the Fun Dad. Assessment are on, Son is on a very tight schedule, and knowing that Time is of the Essence,Son should have been studying. Instead of having it out with Fun Dad I did the thing that I knew is always affective but unfair. I lashed out at The Son. I was borderline nasty. His Swimming is his Life and I threatened to stop taking him cos I knew The Dad would never be able to commit to that kind of a schedule. It brought an abrupt end to the Fun!
How many times do we do this? How many times do we take our frustration out on our children? How many times do we threaten to take away, lock up, disallow our children because they are the only ones that fear us. We do this because after a while couples become immune to ‘The Look’, ‘The sarcasm’, ‘The Public Put-downs!’ What gets the message across is when we Hurt the one thing that we love more than Life itself and that’s our Children.
No marriage is perfect. Mine has seen a fair share of Downs.I am a very Pragmatic person. Kamal believes in his Fairytale. If you asked us anything about how we met or our Love Story, the versions would be very different. 15 years, supporting him through three films. All came with its share of Turmoil, Insecurities, Highs and Lows. We survived. His Passion is His Family and then Film- Making , Mine will always be the Children and then Family. I can never be selfish, or take Time-Off. No mother can and that takes a toll especially when you have to wake up at 4am, 6 days a week because The Sons passion is to swim and then six evenings at 5pm because The Daughters New Passion is to also swim.
6 weeks ago, Kamal went away to Goa, to write! He went For a week and came back a month later. There was no driver and no live in maid in Mumbai. The Three of us managed. In fact the children moved into our room. We like to Cuddle. This was the best thing to happen to us.
In Goa, Kamal seemed happy, he could sleep in late, write, drink,sleep, smoke, write, sleep, eat, smoke, drink,sleep, write. No Judging looks, no exasperated monosyllabic answers from me. No ‘UFF-UFFS’
At home in Mumbai, I had complete Monocracy ( a system of gov’t by one person) Peace reigned. Cook would fall in line for fear of being sent home. Seat lids were always down, No glass left on the TV room floor, No smell of smoke. Homework was finished way before Due dates. All Bills would be paid on time and not piled up or forgotten near the work laptop. Meals would be regular. And TV would be all mine.
Patience is the Key, If you find it’s getting too much. Find an outlet. Cross-fit, Yoga,Spas Cycling, Running, Book clubs, Girlfriends, Holidays. Don’t take your frustration out on your children. I’m going to make a conscience effort from today to be kind to my children. They are definitely not Innocent Bystanders but they should not be Victims of the circumstances of your marriage. Pawns to be played with. It doesn’t end well for children. They get torn and they will always love and be loyal to both parents. Maybe Fathers and Daughters as much as Mothers and Sons : )
In my short marriage I have noticed that everything shall pass and if there is enough Love, Everything will Last!
P.S. Kamal leaving for Goa tomorrow. 🙂